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I couldn’t sleep last night.  I tried, because I had bootcamp this morning (and I have missed the last two sessions due to my technical ineptitude/stupidness at setting calendar alarms on my mobile) and I was meant to get up at 5:30. I did get up and go and bootcamp-it-up, mind you, but I struggled to sleep and now I am struggling to stay awake.

My legs were aching, I couldn’t get comfortable, my tummy was upset. (Aw, tummy-wummy’s got a boo-boo? And no one to kiss it beddow? Aw!) There goes that darn Somatiziwhatsit, all acting up again. 

Plus. 

There were so many ideas smashing around in my head. So many thoughts about yesterday’s session, an email I got from my dad, my goals, things I’ve gotta do in the next few days.  It’s been a while since this’s happened to me.  Maybe that’s a good sign?  That I’m more motivated and excitable? Or maybe it bad cause it’s like my craaaazy mania or stress.

Urgh.

Whoa.

So last week my psychologist Dr H tells me that she thinks there’s more to my problems than just depression, right, so she got me to do a psychological assessment, which is basically 300+ questions which are either “false”, “somewhat true”, “mostly true” or “very true” about yourself.

We went through the results and while some of it was exaggerated, most of it was spot on and there was much shoulder-sagging and a few tears.

The Good: I don’t have any problems with drug and alcohol abuse (although the computer-generated diagnosis said my responses on that were so strong that I might be lying, hah), delusions, multiple personality issues, etc.

The Bad: I have a highly inflated ego (duh) but it is probably just to compensation for my horrible self-esteem.  I think this is pretty accurate.  I can once remember describing myself as a megalomanic with an inferiority complex.

The Ugly: I have lots of depression (duh x 2).  And I feel I have no support network. 

Which I really do feel, even though I have M, I know, but I have always felt that I (or more acurately, my ‘problem’, which has taken over my life in the last 12+ months) was just a burden on him.  And I can’t use him as a therapist; he’s meant to be my partner.  And I’m doing a lousy job at partnering him back (more on that later).  But I have never had a really close friend who I shared everything with.  Well, maybe there was L, but I have just lost the same contact we used to have and I feel like I can’t just dump this on her now.

In the end, the my diagnosis is Major Depression (duh x 3) with kinda isolated moments of mania (which explains the ‘drive’ to achieve crazy things like double-honours etc, cause what normal person would even consider something like that) and Somatization Disorder which is a

condition of many physical complaints (including four pain symptoms, two gastrointestinal symptoms, one sexual symptom, and one pseudoneurological symptom) which cannot be fully explained by a known general medical condition. [ref]

Fair. Very fair.

Hrm, according to The Bible Wikipedia, this particular condition was is antiquatedly known as hysteria.

Roight.